The days get easier, and then there are really hard moments when everything comes rushing back. The what ifs, the could have been's, the hurt that will never go away. Not a day goes by I don't miss my nephew. Days like today when me mom and molly go shopping I cant help but think what this day would be like if he were here. We would be pushing a stroller, it would take us twice as long to get anywhere and we would hear little cries from the back seat.. It would all be worth it.
Though Bryant is not with us I do have to share how proud I am as his aunt for all the love he has shown even from heaven.
A week ago a woman from Lindale Tx posted Bryant's story to her blog. Molly had come across this blog soon after Bryant's birth because this woman (Brittany) has a story almost identical to Molly and Brad's. Her and her husband lost their baby girl Hannah last year at 38 weeks and they understand so much of what Molly and Brad are going through with this new emptiness in the family.
This month of October being "infant loss awareness month" Brittany was posting other mommy's stories on her blog. Molly had written a beautiful heart wrenching story of Bryant that she hadn't shared with anyone quite yet, she had written it for herself while everything was still fresh on her mind and heart.
Thankfully Molly sent this story to Brittany and soon it was revealed for many people to read, oh and it did! Molly got a message a few days ago that read this :
" Molly, I know that numbers are not everything. but I wanted to share something special with you. I wanted to thank you for your story and tell you that so many were able to read your words. I'm not exactly why or how, if it was the pregnancy and infant loss day yesterday or just the Lord wanted so many to hear your story
But since your story was posted yesterday already 2,612 people have read your words. Its the highest number i've ever had for one post in one day. Your story is beautiful. That's your little man touching the lives of so many with the story of our Great God. - Again I know the numbers will never ever replace your sweet son, but I just thought you should know how the Lord is using Bryant's story."
As I said earlier, I went shopping with mom and molly today, it was hard. It didn't used to seem there were that m any babies in the world and now its as though every time we turned around today there was a cry, a scream, a giggle.. I would catch my sister staring at a little boy holding back tears. I could see the wheels rolling in her head thinking of how this day could have been so different.
I want there to be hope, I want to find hope in that God will provide us with another baby one day, not to take the place of Bryant, but to heal parts of our heart that went with him. I want to see my sister be a mommy to a (as she says, "earth baby") I have faith that God will provide that. He had a plan for our Bryant Cole. Maybe that plan was to write a story that mommy's down the road will read when they are mourning a lost child. Whatever the reason, I would never have thought a baby whom never breathed a breath of air from this world could be such an influence on so many.
Bryant's story can be read on hintofhess.blogspot.com
I am so proud to be his aunt, and he will forever be OUR ANGEL BABY.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Post 25 years and counting
I would like to say the reason I haven't posted was to wait until after my twenty fifth birthday and revise my list. However I am sad to admit that is not the case. Between my hectic life in the past nine months I have neglected my blog as I tend to do and because of that I just have to write twice as much as I normally would. (don't get too upset il try to make it a short version)
To start things off, my revised list for "POST 25"
I moved into my own apartment
got a fish... that lived 4 months
went on a cruise to Cozumel (got sea sick)
along with moving out I am building my credit, quite nicely I might add
I got a new car this past summer that I love** AC went out on the Saturn :(
I am attempting to save money between all my bills
and I am currently enrolled in school and scheduled to take the nursing entrance exam
Committed to something for 12 months- my job !
****************************************************************************
That being my list, I have proudly accomplished some of the things I set my goals to and the others will just have to wait. However the most exciting news that came in my twenty fifth year was the day my sister announced I would be an AUNT!!
I am beyond excited for her and our family, this will be the first baby and HE will be so spoiled. I already love him so much. He should make his grand arrival in the next two weeks, its just a waiting game at this point.. and im not a very patient person.
A lot has happened since the beginning of this year and I have had to grow up a lot. I miss my old life at times, the traveling and staying busy with friends and activities. My days now mostly consist of work, school, baby showers, and watching all my friends get married and move away.
But that's ok, because i'm still figuring things out and have a feeling I have a lot more adventure left in me. I am officially in my mid twenties and at times I see that as still young, and then there are times I feel old and like life is catching up to me. All I know is that my heart still longs for adventure and to find the things that make me happy. Each year will bring something new, im definitely not the same as I was this time last year and im sure things will have changed drastically in the coming year. I like thinking of things in that perspective, you are always changing, nothing ever stays the same. So if you don't like something one way, just wait a while and something new will come along.
At a dinner with my grandparents this past weekend I had a conversation with my papa. Mostly about his life and the journeys that he was lead through. During this conversation he stopped and looked at me and said " I believe in destiny, that every path you take, every wrong or right decision you make will lead you to your place of being" - He had worked his younger years in a broom factory sitting for eight hours a day sticking a broom stick in a machine that attached the bristles to the end. He told me that time in his life was not very fun, he knew it wasn't what he wanted to do forever and that he would eventually move on. But that was where he was at that moment. That moment in his life took him on to bigger and better opportunities, and the stories he had were astonishing.
It made me hope.. This is where I am in life for now, im learning, im growing, im making mistakes and at the same time memories that maybe one day I can tell my grandchildren.
I know im only twenty five and counting, but one day il look up and this will be my past - Just like the list from my prior post.
Things ive done, things I could have done, and things I still have waiting
To start things off, my revised list for "POST 25"
I moved into my own apartment
got a fish... that lived 4 months
went on a cruise to Cozumel (got sea sick)
along with moving out I am building my credit, quite nicely I might add
I got a new car this past summer that I love** AC went out on the Saturn :(
I am attempting to save money between all my bills
and I am currently enrolled in school and scheduled to take the nursing entrance exam
Committed to something for 12 months- my job !
****************************************************************************
That being my list, I have proudly accomplished some of the things I set my goals to and the others will just have to wait. However the most exciting news that came in my twenty fifth year was the day my sister announced I would be an AUNT!!
I am beyond excited for her and our family, this will be the first baby and HE will be so spoiled. I already love him so much. He should make his grand arrival in the next two weeks, its just a waiting game at this point.. and im not a very patient person.
A lot has happened since the beginning of this year and I have had to grow up a lot. I miss my old life at times, the traveling and staying busy with friends and activities. My days now mostly consist of work, school, baby showers, and watching all my friends get married and move away.
But that's ok, because i'm still figuring things out and have a feeling I have a lot more adventure left in me. I am officially in my mid twenties and at times I see that as still young, and then there are times I feel old and like life is catching up to me. All I know is that my heart still longs for adventure and to find the things that make me happy. Each year will bring something new, im definitely not the same as I was this time last year and im sure things will have changed drastically in the coming year. I like thinking of things in that perspective, you are always changing, nothing ever stays the same. So if you don't like something one way, just wait a while and something new will come along.
At a dinner with my grandparents this past weekend I had a conversation with my papa. Mostly about his life and the journeys that he was lead through. During this conversation he stopped and looked at me and said " I believe in destiny, that every path you take, every wrong or right decision you make will lead you to your place of being" - He had worked his younger years in a broom factory sitting for eight hours a day sticking a broom stick in a machine that attached the bristles to the end. He told me that time in his life was not very fun, he knew it wasn't what he wanted to do forever and that he would eventually move on. But that was where he was at that moment. That moment in his life took him on to bigger and better opportunities, and the stories he had were astonishing.
It made me hope.. This is where I am in life for now, im learning, im growing, im making mistakes and at the same time memories that maybe one day I can tell my grandchildren.
I know im only twenty five and counting, but one day il look up and this will be my past - Just like the list from my prior post.
Things ive done, things I could have done, and things I still have waiting
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Bryant Cole ~ our angel baby
It has been one month and one week since my nephew's birthday. Bryant Cole Brown -
I remember the day I found out my sister was expecting, I was at work and called to the front saying I had flowers! I never get flowers, so I figured they had the wrong person. I walked up to see a beautiful bouquet and a card with my name on it. As I opened it I had to catch my breath and keep from screaming with excitement, I was going to be an AUNT!! I always knew this day would come but it definitely took me by surprise. My heart was overwhelmed and in a few short weeks Molly and Brad announced to everyone they were pregnant. The first few months went by slow waiting to find out the sex. So many people would ask me what I wanted the baby to be and my response was always, I don't care as long as its healthy! The month of March we found out we would be have a BOY in the family, Bryant Cole was going to be my nephew and with each sonogram I went to and picture I saw my heart grew more and more full of love for him.
Through the months of summer I got to watch as my little sister became a mother. She changed, She matured and her heart grew so in love with her baby boy. We had showers, TONS of clothes!
My mom got a little red wagon, because every little boy needs one of those. We were all ready to meet Bryant, hold him and watch him grow and play. Molly had a perfect pregnancy, each appointment was good news and the dr. even told her she was a prime patient as far as everything going right on schedule. We watched as our little boy grew fast, each time I saw Molly her tummy was bigger and her little body swollen to its max from carrying her baby. a week before her due date everyone was awaiting the call, the one where we would all rush to the hospital and celebrate a new life.
On Thursday, September fourth Molly had a dr appointment scheduled for 1:30. She came by my work that day and as she walked through the clinic everyone smiled and congratulated her. She was beaming, as any soon to be mother would. we went to get lunch and as we drove talked about how soon the due date was. I asked her if he had been active that day and she said no, she noted he had been very still and that was normal for it being so close to his due date. I felt her tummy and she left shortly after lunch for her appointment. I told her to text and let me know how much he weighed because me and mom had a bet going on how big he would be. one thirty came and went and the hours past. I remember looking down to see it was three oclock and I still hadn't heard from my sister. I text her a few times. "how did it go" . "have you left yet". "hello?" ... I finally got a response that read "are you busy?" my heart raced as I knew something was wrong.. I remember telling a co worker I was scared because it was unlike molly to take so long to reply and that it had been hours of not hearing anything. a few minutes later a call came that Brad was at the front desk wanting to see me. I started shaking, I knew there was bad news because he had not been with Molly to go to her appointment. I ran to the front and as brad led me out the doors he quietly said - we lost the baby Meghan.
My heart dropped. I felt like passing out and I remember grabbing my head and saying NO. I ran to brads truck and flew open the door to see my little sister holding her big belly in sobs. She looked at me with broken eyes and said " He's our angel now" I grabbed her tummy and asked questions that there was no answer to. I sat in the truck holding my sister and crying. She explained the dr could not find a heartbeat and after several tries and a sonogram they gave her the news he was gone. She had been alone, she had to sit and wait and morn her lost child until Brad got there. After time I walked back into the clinic, people staring and wanting to know what happened. I was numb, I could care less what I looked like or who saw the tears streaming down my face. I left work and headed to Van, a long 30 minute drive. I thought, I prayed, I yelled. I was angry with God. How could this happen? Why so close to his due date? Why MY SISTER?
That evening around 7 pm Molly and Brad checked into labor and delivery, however this experience would be much different that the other parents in the rooms close by. I remember walking down the hall and seeing the little leaf with a tear drop on the door and wishing I could wake up from this terrible nightmare. That evening was hard, My family was waiting on my dad to arrive, he works out of town and had to drive 8 hours to get here. After the nurses got Molly settled and gave her medication to help her sleep mom and I came to my apartment to rest. I laid on my couch, sleepless. I couldn't stop thinking of my sister and brother in law sitting in the hospital room knowing soon they would have to see their baby boy, lifeless. I stayed on the phone most of the night with dad making sure he made it safe. He arrived at the hospital around midnight and never left. Me and mom went back around 5am and we all took turns giving hugs, sitting in silence and crying.
After a long morning of labor with no Epidural my sister gave birth at 11:45am to a perfect peaceful baby weighing 7 pound 2 ounces. I got the opportunity to stay in the room during the birth. Molly had looked me in the eye and said, you can stay in here if you promise not to cry. She said if I cried she would cry and she needed to be calm and focus on the delivery. I kept my promise, and did by far the hardest thing in my entire life by watching my tiny nephew come into the world in silence.
The dr had announced he was delivered and we heard nothing. No cry, only soft tears coming from the parents who's hearts were in pieces. I watched as they brought Bryant into the room all dressed up wrapped in a soft blanket. The moment my sister laid eyes on him is a moment I will never forget.
Brad broke into tears while Molly sat there smiling repeating the words " wow, wow he is so beautiful" tears rolled down her checks but almost as if they were tears of joy from seeing her perfect child she had carried for nine months. She held him in her arms and whispered how much she loved him. After a while she handed him off to Brad and i have never seen that man look so in love than i did in that moment. His eyes never left his sons face as he sat there rocking him back and forth as if no one else was in the room but them.
The rest of the afternoon was spent taking pictures for memories, having visitors come in for those who wanted to see him. many tears were shed, but there were also smiles, because as Molly said " how can you not smile when you see something so perfect"
Late afternoon we all took turns saying our goodbyes and giving the parents time with their baby boy, and then he was gone. Words can not express having to watch a couple who have waited, prayed for, expected a baby leave the hospital empty handed.
Walking behind as my sister was rolled down the hall to the elevator the next morning, i just kept praying she wasn't looking into the passing rooms with all the baby monitors, balloons and smiling new parents. It hurt, i wanted to take the pain away for her and there was nothing i could do or say to make anything better or hurt any less.
A week later there was a small burial with close family and friends a song was played and a verse read that Bryant's daddy picked out himself. No parent should have to bury their child, no parent should have to stand in a line as so many people hug their neck saying how sorry they are.
Of course the hugs and the words are kind, but nothing takes away the hurt. Nothing simmers the pain they now have in their hearts.
We go on.. each day is its own struggle. We move on with no little boy, with no happy laughs of silly stories or cute pictures. We watch as others around have children and get pregnant and knowing how hard it is for me, i cant even begin to think how hard it is for Molly and Brad. I watch as each day they grow together, stronger and more accepting of God's plan and that He holds their baby boy in his arms each day.
People ask how we are, how molly and brad are doing.. Not good. It wont get better in a day, in months or years. This will be something that is with them and all of us forever. It wasn't just a loss of a baby. We lost part of our family, a person we had named and imagined a life with, someone we had prepared for and prayed for constantly.
As the days go on we take comfort in knowing we aren't the only family who has suffered a loss, whether it be a baby, a parent, a sibling, loss is something that breaks you. But we also can take comfort that we wont be broken forever because we serve a God who has a purpose, and an eternity waiting for those who love and trust in him.
As i have told my sister, i believe God has a purpose in all of this. Even though sometimes we don't want there to be a purpose, we want there to be a baby to hold and snuggle with. But i believe God needed an angel, and just as he chose Mary to carry baby Jesus, He had to choose someone who would be the perfect mother to an angel during his time on earth. He needed someone who would be strong in her faith and understand that when this baby left us, He would be safe in the arms of God and watching down.
We LOVE you Bryant Cole Brown,
always and forever- Your aunt Mina
I remember the day I found out my sister was expecting, I was at work and called to the front saying I had flowers! I never get flowers, so I figured they had the wrong person. I walked up to see a beautiful bouquet and a card with my name on it. As I opened it I had to catch my breath and keep from screaming with excitement, I was going to be an AUNT!! I always knew this day would come but it definitely took me by surprise. My heart was overwhelmed and in a few short weeks Molly and Brad announced to everyone they were pregnant. The first few months went by slow waiting to find out the sex. So many people would ask me what I wanted the baby to be and my response was always, I don't care as long as its healthy! The month of March we found out we would be have a BOY in the family, Bryant Cole was going to be my nephew and with each sonogram I went to and picture I saw my heart grew more and more full of love for him.
Through the months of summer I got to watch as my little sister became a mother. She changed, She matured and her heart grew so in love with her baby boy. We had showers, TONS of clothes!
My mom got a little red wagon, because every little boy needs one of those. We were all ready to meet Bryant, hold him and watch him grow and play. Molly had a perfect pregnancy, each appointment was good news and the dr. even told her she was a prime patient as far as everything going right on schedule. We watched as our little boy grew fast, each time I saw Molly her tummy was bigger and her little body swollen to its max from carrying her baby. a week before her due date everyone was awaiting the call, the one where we would all rush to the hospital and celebrate a new life.
On Thursday, September fourth Molly had a dr appointment scheduled for 1:30. She came by my work that day and as she walked through the clinic everyone smiled and congratulated her. She was beaming, as any soon to be mother would. we went to get lunch and as we drove talked about how soon the due date was. I asked her if he had been active that day and she said no, she noted he had been very still and that was normal for it being so close to his due date. I felt her tummy and she left shortly after lunch for her appointment. I told her to text and let me know how much he weighed because me and mom had a bet going on how big he would be. one thirty came and went and the hours past. I remember looking down to see it was three oclock and I still hadn't heard from my sister. I text her a few times. "how did it go" . "have you left yet". "hello?" ... I finally got a response that read "are you busy?" my heart raced as I knew something was wrong.. I remember telling a co worker I was scared because it was unlike molly to take so long to reply and that it had been hours of not hearing anything. a few minutes later a call came that Brad was at the front desk wanting to see me. I started shaking, I knew there was bad news because he had not been with Molly to go to her appointment. I ran to the front and as brad led me out the doors he quietly said - we lost the baby Meghan.
My heart dropped. I felt like passing out and I remember grabbing my head and saying NO. I ran to brads truck and flew open the door to see my little sister holding her big belly in sobs. She looked at me with broken eyes and said " He's our angel now" I grabbed her tummy and asked questions that there was no answer to. I sat in the truck holding my sister and crying. She explained the dr could not find a heartbeat and after several tries and a sonogram they gave her the news he was gone. She had been alone, she had to sit and wait and morn her lost child until Brad got there. After time I walked back into the clinic, people staring and wanting to know what happened. I was numb, I could care less what I looked like or who saw the tears streaming down my face. I left work and headed to Van, a long 30 minute drive. I thought, I prayed, I yelled. I was angry with God. How could this happen? Why so close to his due date? Why MY SISTER?
That evening around 7 pm Molly and Brad checked into labor and delivery, however this experience would be much different that the other parents in the rooms close by. I remember walking down the hall and seeing the little leaf with a tear drop on the door and wishing I could wake up from this terrible nightmare. That evening was hard, My family was waiting on my dad to arrive, he works out of town and had to drive 8 hours to get here. After the nurses got Molly settled and gave her medication to help her sleep mom and I came to my apartment to rest. I laid on my couch, sleepless. I couldn't stop thinking of my sister and brother in law sitting in the hospital room knowing soon they would have to see their baby boy, lifeless. I stayed on the phone most of the night with dad making sure he made it safe. He arrived at the hospital around midnight and never left. Me and mom went back around 5am and we all took turns giving hugs, sitting in silence and crying.
After a long morning of labor with no Epidural my sister gave birth at 11:45am to a perfect peaceful baby weighing 7 pound 2 ounces. I got the opportunity to stay in the room during the birth. Molly had looked me in the eye and said, you can stay in here if you promise not to cry. She said if I cried she would cry and she needed to be calm and focus on the delivery. I kept my promise, and did by far the hardest thing in my entire life by watching my tiny nephew come into the world in silence.
The dr had announced he was delivered and we heard nothing. No cry, only soft tears coming from the parents who's hearts were in pieces. I watched as they brought Bryant into the room all dressed up wrapped in a soft blanket. The moment my sister laid eyes on him is a moment I will never forget.
Brad broke into tears while Molly sat there smiling repeating the words " wow, wow he is so beautiful" tears rolled down her checks but almost as if they were tears of joy from seeing her perfect child she had carried for nine months. She held him in her arms and whispered how much she loved him. After a while she handed him off to Brad and i have never seen that man look so in love than i did in that moment. His eyes never left his sons face as he sat there rocking him back and forth as if no one else was in the room but them.
The rest of the afternoon was spent taking pictures for memories, having visitors come in for those who wanted to see him. many tears were shed, but there were also smiles, because as Molly said " how can you not smile when you see something so perfect"
Late afternoon we all took turns saying our goodbyes and giving the parents time with their baby boy, and then he was gone. Words can not express having to watch a couple who have waited, prayed for, expected a baby leave the hospital empty handed.
Walking behind as my sister was rolled down the hall to the elevator the next morning, i just kept praying she wasn't looking into the passing rooms with all the baby monitors, balloons and smiling new parents. It hurt, i wanted to take the pain away for her and there was nothing i could do or say to make anything better or hurt any less.
A week later there was a small burial with close family and friends a song was played and a verse read that Bryant's daddy picked out himself. No parent should have to bury their child, no parent should have to stand in a line as so many people hug their neck saying how sorry they are.
Of course the hugs and the words are kind, but nothing takes away the hurt. Nothing simmers the pain they now have in their hearts.
We go on.. each day is its own struggle. We move on with no little boy, with no happy laughs of silly stories or cute pictures. We watch as others around have children and get pregnant and knowing how hard it is for me, i cant even begin to think how hard it is for Molly and Brad. I watch as each day they grow together, stronger and more accepting of God's plan and that He holds their baby boy in his arms each day.
People ask how we are, how molly and brad are doing.. Not good. It wont get better in a day, in months or years. This will be something that is with them and all of us forever. It wasn't just a loss of a baby. We lost part of our family, a person we had named and imagined a life with, someone we had prepared for and prayed for constantly.
As the days go on we take comfort in knowing we aren't the only family who has suffered a loss, whether it be a baby, a parent, a sibling, loss is something that breaks you. But we also can take comfort that we wont be broken forever because we serve a God who has a purpose, and an eternity waiting for those who love and trust in him.
As i have told my sister, i believe God has a purpose in all of this. Even though sometimes we don't want there to be a purpose, we want there to be a baby to hold and snuggle with. But i believe God needed an angel, and just as he chose Mary to carry baby Jesus, He had to choose someone who would be the perfect mother to an angel during his time on earth. He needed someone who would be strong in her faith and understand that when this baby left us, He would be safe in the arms of God and watching down.
We LOVE you Bryant Cole Brown,
always and forever- Your aunt Mina
Monday, December 30, 2013
My 25 BEFORE I AM 25!!
well, this next year marks a mid life crisis. I will be 25 years old in exactly 6 months. Time to start planning a great trip and making my list "25 before im 25".
I know im not old by any means, but you know that day when you wake up and it hits you. how old you are and how fast time has flown by you. how quickly the years pass and all the things you've accomplished.. and the things you haven't. So here is to all the things I have yet to accomplish in this short life of mine. well, 25 things to be exact!
1. zip lining
2. hot air balloon ride
3. go deep sea fishing
4. paint more often
5. accomplish school and apply for nursing
6. dance in the rain
7. move out on my own
8. go on a cruise
9. visit a state I've never been to
10. save $2,000.00 in my money jar
11. exercise at least 3 times a week
12. blog more often ;)
13. join a church, and go regularly
14. plan a trip to a country I haven't been to
15. work on building my credit
16. get a fish (since I cant keep anything else alive for long)
17. grow my nails out
18. get my CHL
19. skinny dip
20. try a new restaurant
21. buy a homeless person a meal
22. make more friends
23. get a new car ( aka used car with good gas)
24. commit to something for an entire 12 months
25. pray more often
Well, that about does it. I will see in six months what all I actually accomplish from this list. But as of now I can honestly say being 24 has been the hardest year of my life by far. So cheers to a New year coming up and to 25 treating me better!
well, this next year marks a mid life crisis. I will be 25 years old in exactly 6 months. Time to start planning a great trip and making my list "25 before im 25".
I know im not old by any means, but you know that day when you wake up and it hits you. how old you are and how fast time has flown by you. how quickly the years pass and all the things you've accomplished.. and the things you haven't. So here is to all the things I have yet to accomplish in this short life of mine. well, 25 things to be exact!
1. zip lining
2. hot air balloon ride
3. go deep sea fishing
4. paint more often
5. accomplish school and apply for nursing
6. dance in the rain
7. move out on my own
8. go on a cruise
9. visit a state I've never been to
10. save $2,000.00 in my money jar
11. exercise at least 3 times a week
12. blog more often ;)
13. join a church, and go regularly
14. plan a trip to a country I haven't been to
15. work on building my credit
16. get a fish (since I cant keep anything else alive for long)
17. grow my nails out
18. get my CHL
19. skinny dip
20. try a new restaurant
21. buy a homeless person a meal
22. make more friends
23. get a new car ( aka used car with good gas)
24. commit to something for an entire 12 months
25. pray more often
Well, that about does it. I will see in six months what all I actually accomplish from this list. But as of now I can honestly say being 24 has been the hardest year of my life by far. So cheers to a New year coming up and to 25 treating me better!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
i shall pass through this world but once
''I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good therefore that I can do,
or any kindness that i can show to peoplelet me do it now. Let me not differ nor neglect it.
For i shall not pass this way again.''
^This is a quote i found written in an old 2009 journal of mine. I love it so much i had to write it down again!
It is now 2013!! The holidays went by quickly it seemed and this new year has been a bit of a flash so far. a quick update on the year..,
I currently have a new Job which i took around the beginning of the year, which at the time i thought was a great idea. I am a Medical Assistant.. aka (nurse for a Dr at an internal Medicine clinic) Its quite a job, keeps me busy. I love the people i work for and getting to meet elderly people who always put a smile on my face. Knowing that i take part in helping people stay healthy at one of the largest Dr offices in town, its a huge accomplishment. However, its a lot of the same routine every day and sitting at a desk in a dark office for ten hours a day.
I am faced with the same delima as last year. I recently have the opportunity to return to Zambia for six months out of the year.. Yes i know i do this every year.
But i am such a believer in taking chances, opportunities, and if your not happy somewhere to get out and find where God is leading you. Don't spend your life somewhere just to please everyone else, or just because its the Normal thing to do.
I was struggling with this when i came across a chapter in my favorite book "Kisses from Katie" it read this :
" I believe God is in control, yes. But I also believe we have
a choice, to follow God’s callings in our lives, or to stay where we are
comfortable. And even if we remain God will still Love us the same, he will
still bless us and guide us. However, not like I could have if I answer to
God’s callings. I can miss the will
of God. The rich young Ruler certainly did. He didn’t fall dead, as Ananias and
Sapphira did; and maybe he went on to live a great life. But it wasn’t the life
he could have lived had he said yes to what Jesus was asking of him."
By returning to Zambia this year I would be helping the small village i have been a part of for the past two years. SCRUBS medical mission is traveling back and plan to build a water well, a school, and housing in this small village that has nothing. My heart is torn.
In so many ways i want to go and be a part of such a life changing event for the people of Zambia. I want to reunite with friends there and live the Zambian life that i miss so much.
But is it worth leaving what i have here in America.. ?
I have a job that normal 24 year old girls would die for. My parents are building a new pool at their house for this summer. for once i have money to do things and have new clothes and possibly my own house in a few months. If i stayed i would be well off in this normal American life of mine. I would be able to spend my summer by a pool and on the lake with my best friend. I could afford to take a weekend trip somewhere fun.
But there would be a part of me that longed to be in the sands of Africa. There would be a part of me that wanted to see the looks on their faces to see that they now have clean water, to see them be baptized in the water troughs under the trees. To have all those tiny hands pulling at my clothes, and see the children running down the dirt roads.
It seems no matter what i do, or how content i have it here in the states its never good enough. I never feel right about it, and i don't think thats Normal.
SO.. as of right now, i plan on returning to Zambia this June to remain for six months. I hope to purchase my plane ticket next week and send out my support letters as well. After that its kinda a done deal. I feel bad that i've become a "job jumper" I want so badly to stay at this job and become the nurse that stays at one place for years.. but thats not me. Because like the Quote says, " I SHALL NOT PASS THIS WAY AGAIN"
So once again, i will be leaving my job, my family, my friends.. to be placed where i feel that God wants me. And it feels so right. I feel so at home there. Im ready.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
What now..
I've been home now for 3 weeks. Of course I'm getting back into the routine of things, not too hard to do when you've only been gone a few months. But still, it's different being back.
Or shall I say, I'm different.
I know nothing here has changed, It's all still familiar. But how do I live the "different me" in this old familiar life now.?
Is it my human nature that can never be satisfied, whether here or abroad? When I was at home, I dreamed of going away. When I was away, I dreamed of being home. And now I am back home, and it feels as if I am in a dream, floating along somewhere in between the two worlds I know. Waiting for WHAT'S NEXT !!??
Or shall I say, I'm different.
I know nothing here has changed, It's all still familiar. But how do I live the "different me" in this old familiar life now.?
Is it my human nature that can never be satisfied, whether here or abroad? When I was at home, I dreamed of going away. When I was away, I dreamed of being home. And now I am back home, and it feels as if I am in a dream, floating along somewhere in between the two worlds I know. Waiting for WHAT'S NEXT !!??
2 months is not a long time, but it's long enough for God to change your views on life completely. Before I left on this trip, back in July. I remember feeling so scared and uncertain. I prayed that God would start a new beginning in me through this trip. That he would brake my heart for what breaks His.. And he did!
I have no doubt that God completely broke my heart for the people in Zambia. He opened my eyes to the love and spiritual warfare that is surrounding each of us.
A question I get asked alot since being back is, what is different about being back home.?.. And to be honest, it's not the food, or the language or the fact that I can get in my own car and drive 70 mph down the road.. It's the lack of spiritual awareness.
People here in America don't take the time to notice how much of a spiritual warfare takes place in our own lives and those around us. We stay preoccupied with our busy schedules and things we find so important. We forget to take time to pray, thank God, or even to stop and ask a person how their day is and how we can help others. We are selfish.
Its not completely our fault, its the culture we have all grown up in. But it is hard to explain to people the pure love, emotion and compassion i received/ experienced this past summer. Its something you can put into words all you want, but it cant be fully grasped until someone has seen for themselves.
So now I'm home, and the question everyone wants to know is, Whats Next in my life?.. good question!
My answer to this is, I have no earthly idea!
Though i would love some answers at this moment, i have none. All i know is i am willing to whatever God lays ahead of me.
Proverbs 16:9 “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (NIV)
Philippians 2:13 “It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” (NIV)
Its not completely our fault, its the culture we have all grown up in. But it is hard to explain to people the pure love, emotion and compassion i received/ experienced this past summer. Its something you can put into words all you want, but it cant be fully grasped until someone has seen for themselves.
So now I'm home, and the question everyone wants to know is, Whats Next in my life?.. good question!
My answer to this is, I have no earthly idea!
Though i would love some answers at this moment, i have none. All i know is i am willing to whatever God lays ahead of me.
Proverbs 16:9 “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (NIV)
Philippians 2:13 “It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” (NIV)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)