It has been one month and one week since my nephew's birthday. Bryant Cole Brown -
I remember the day I found out my sister was expecting, I was at work and called to the front saying I had flowers! I never get flowers, so I figured they had the wrong person. I walked up to see a beautiful bouquet and a card with my name on it. As I opened it I had to catch my breath and keep from screaming with excitement, I was going to be an AUNT!! I always knew this day would come but it definitely took me by surprise. My heart was overwhelmed and in a few short weeks Molly and Brad announced to everyone they were pregnant. The first few months went by slow waiting to find out the sex. So many people would ask me what I wanted the baby to be and my response was always, I don't care as long as its healthy! The month of March we found out we would be have a BOY in the family, Bryant Cole was going to be my nephew and with each sonogram I went to and picture I saw my heart grew more and more full of love for him.
Through the months of summer I got to watch as my little sister became a mother. She changed, She matured and her heart grew so in love with her baby boy. We had showers, TONS of clothes!
My mom got a little red wagon, because every little boy needs one of those. We were all ready to meet Bryant, hold him and watch him grow and play. Molly had a perfect pregnancy, each appointment was good news and the dr. even told her she was a prime patient as far as everything going right on schedule. We watched as our little boy grew fast, each time I saw Molly her tummy was bigger and her little body swollen to its max from carrying her baby. a week before her due date everyone was awaiting the call, the one where we would all rush to the hospital and celebrate a new life.
On Thursday, September fourth Molly had a dr appointment scheduled for 1:30. She came by my work that day and as she walked through the clinic everyone smiled and congratulated her. She was beaming, as any soon to be mother would. we went to get lunch and as we drove talked about how soon the due date was. I asked her if he had been active that day and she said no, she noted he had been very still and that was normal for it being so close to his due date. I felt her tummy and she left shortly after lunch for her appointment. I told her to text and let me know how much he weighed because me and mom had a bet going on how big he would be. one thirty came and went and the hours past. I remember looking down to see it was three oclock and I still hadn't heard from my sister. I text her a few times. "how did it go" . "have you left yet". "hello?" ... I finally got a response that read "are you busy?" my heart raced as I knew something was wrong.. I remember telling a co worker I was scared because it was unlike molly to take so long to reply and that it had been hours of not hearing anything. a few minutes later a call came that Brad was at the front desk wanting to see me. I started shaking, I knew there was bad news because he had not been with Molly to go to her appointment. I ran to the front and as brad led me out the doors he quietly said - we lost the baby Meghan.
My heart dropped. I felt like passing out and I remember grabbing my head and saying NO. I ran to brads truck and flew open the door to see my little sister holding her big belly in sobs. She looked at me with broken eyes and said " He's our angel now" I grabbed her tummy and asked questions that there was no answer to. I sat in the truck holding my sister and crying. She explained the dr could not find a heartbeat and after several tries and a sonogram they gave her the news he was gone. She had been alone, she had to sit and wait and morn her lost child until Brad got there. After time I walked back into the clinic, people staring and wanting to know what happened. I was numb, I could care less what I looked like or who saw the tears streaming down my face. I left work and headed to Van, a long 30 minute drive. I thought, I prayed, I yelled. I was angry with God. How could this happen? Why so close to his due date? Why MY SISTER?
That evening around 7 pm Molly and Brad checked into labor and delivery, however this experience would be much different that the other parents in the rooms close by. I remember walking down the hall and seeing the little leaf with a tear drop on the door and wishing I could wake up from this terrible nightmare. That evening was hard, My family was waiting on my dad to arrive, he works out of town and had to drive 8 hours to get here. After the nurses got Molly settled and gave her medication to help her sleep mom and I came to my apartment to rest. I laid on my couch, sleepless. I couldn't stop thinking of my sister and brother in law sitting in the hospital room knowing soon they would have to see their baby boy, lifeless. I stayed on the phone most of the night with dad making sure he made it safe. He arrived at the hospital around midnight and never left. Me and mom went back around 5am and we all took turns giving hugs, sitting in silence and crying.
After a long morning of labor with no Epidural my sister gave birth at 11:45am to a perfect peaceful baby weighing 7 pound 2 ounces. I got the opportunity to stay in the room during the birth. Molly had looked me in the eye and said, you can stay in here if you promise not to cry. She said if I cried she would cry and she needed to be calm and focus on the delivery. I kept my promise, and did by far the hardest thing in my entire life by watching my tiny nephew come into the world in silence.
The dr had announced he was delivered and we heard nothing. No cry, only soft tears coming from the parents who's hearts were in pieces. I watched as they brought Bryant into the room all dressed up wrapped in a soft blanket. The moment my sister laid eyes on him is a moment I will never forget.
Brad broke into tears while Molly sat there smiling repeating the words " wow, wow he is so beautiful" tears rolled down her checks but almost as if they were tears of joy from seeing her perfect child she had carried for nine months. She held him in her arms and whispered how much she loved him. After a while she handed him off to Brad and i have never seen that man look so in love than i did in that moment. His eyes never left his sons face as he sat there rocking him back and forth as if no one else was in the room but them.
The rest of the afternoon was spent taking pictures for memories, having visitors come in for those who wanted to see him. many tears were shed, but there were also smiles, because as Molly said " how can you not smile when you see something so perfect"
Late afternoon we all took turns saying our goodbyes and giving the parents time with their baby boy, and then he was gone. Words can not express having to watch a couple who have waited, prayed for, expected a baby leave the hospital empty handed.
Walking behind as my sister was rolled down the hall to the elevator the next morning, i just kept praying she wasn't looking into the passing rooms with all the baby monitors, balloons and smiling new parents. It hurt, i wanted to take the pain away for her and there was nothing i could do or say to make anything better or hurt any less.
A week later there was a small burial with close family and friends a song was played and a verse read that Bryant's daddy picked out himself. No parent should have to bury their child, no parent should have to stand in a line as so many people hug their neck saying how sorry they are.
Of course the hugs and the words are kind, but nothing takes away the hurt. Nothing simmers the pain they now have in their hearts.
We go on.. each day is its own struggle. We move on with no little boy, with no happy laughs of silly stories or cute pictures. We watch as others around have children and get pregnant and knowing how hard it is for me, i cant even begin to think how hard it is for Molly and Brad. I watch as each day they grow together, stronger and more accepting of God's plan and that He holds their baby boy in his arms each day.
People ask how we are, how molly and brad are doing.. Not good. It wont get better in a day, in months or years. This will be something that is with them and all of us forever. It wasn't just a loss of a baby. We lost part of our family, a person we had named and imagined a life with, someone we had prepared for and prayed for constantly.
As the days go on we take comfort in knowing we aren't the only family who has suffered a loss, whether it be a baby, a parent, a sibling, loss is something that breaks you. But we also can take comfort that we wont be broken forever because we serve a God who has a purpose, and an eternity waiting for those who love and trust in him.
As i have told my sister, i believe God has a purpose in all of this. Even though sometimes we don't want there to be a purpose, we want there to be a baby to hold and snuggle with. But i believe God needed an angel, and just as he chose Mary to carry baby Jesus, He had to choose someone who would be the perfect mother to an angel during his time on earth. He needed someone who would be strong in her faith and understand that when this baby left us, He would be safe in the arms of God and watching down.
We LOVE you Bryant Cole Brown,
always and forever- Your aunt Mina
