finding light in the darkness

“I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved me over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.”  

This year is almost over, (thank goodness for that) Though it was not terrible all around. It brought happy times along with the sad ones, we just never imagined we would be ending it on a sad one.
As Christmas approaches my family has put up the trees and done the shopping, I just don't think our hearts are in it this year. Its difficult to be happy when you feel like the Joy was taken away that could have been.
The hardest thing within the past few months is that life has gone on. I know that sounds ridiculous and cliché, but it has. Thanksgiving came and went, birthdays, other babies being born into our extended family. Its hard to attempt to "move on" when it seems so wrong.. almost impossible. Other people have, they came and went to a burial sight, they prayed for our family during the darkest days. But life has moved on and with it some of the newness of the harsh memories and pain.
Not for my sister, sitting at lunch a few days ago she mentioned that the day of September 5th replays in her head every day. To hear her talk about her baby almost makes your heart physically hurt.
Sometimes she talks about the conversations they have at "his place". There are days I call her and ask what she is doing and she will say " headed back from visiting with Bryant". He lives with her every day, he is missed every day. And somehow within all this darkness we have to find the light.

I love the quote at the top of this page, how very true it is. I believe God gives everyone darkness in their life so they can appreciate the light. Some people have more darkness than others, and with that I think he gives the most to the people He knows an handle it. I know before this year I never knew my sister had the strength in her to get through everything she has. I know that strength came from God. And I am so thankful that He provides that in the darkest of times.

With all this said, we will go through Christmas this year with one empty stocking, a few less gifts than planned, and an empty place in our hearts. But behind all that darkness, we can find peace knowing Christmas is celebrated for a baby who was born to save us. And without that we would have no hope of seeing the ones we love again.
Thank you Jesus for Christmas and for giving the light .... and the dark

A place i call home

At the age of twenty five I have lived many different places. I moved out for the first time my sophomore year of college with two roomates into a 3 bedroom rent house. It was nice for the short year we lived there and seeing that each of us were going our own way with choosing different schools I ended up moving back home after that. during my college years I stayed most nights with my best friend who lived in Tyler since it was convenient to everything and we had a lot of the same classes, therefor the same schedule.
After college I got my first medical assistant job and a place of my own in a one bedroom apartment where I stayed quite busy with a 40 hour week plus waitressing on nights and weekends. My life there did not last too long because during that time is when I was called back to Zambia.
That summer I packed up and moved back home exactly one day prior to getting on a plane to Africa for three months. When in Africa I considered many places a home for a short time. Every week I was sleeping somewhere new, interacting with new groups of people and attempting to adapt to the lifestyle of migration.
I returned to the states in October of 2012 and once again moved back in with my parents, because life of a missionary doesn't exactly leave you rolling in the dough.
I worked a daycare job for the next several months enjoying life and catching up with friends. In February of 2013 is when I landed my current job and quickly had to become the responsible adult once more. After being at my job for a year I decided it was time to actually grow up and settle into a place of my own that wouldn't be such a long commute back and forth to town.
ALL this to say, this past spring I moved into an apartment that I have grown to love. It took many months and a lot of hard earned money to make it into what I had envisioned. I am proud to call my little one bedroom apartment a place I have made a cozy home!
Take a look :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEAVEN MUST BE BEAUTIFUL RIGHT NOW, SINCE THEY GOT YOU!


Maybe its just because i haven't taken the time to stop and notice it before, but in my opinion the sky has been a lot more beautifully painted since September 5th. I like to think that Bryant is up there painting with all different colors and making it special just for us.  I wake up each morning and always stop in awe of the colors mixed between the clouds and waking up to say hello. I have taken some pictures to share some of God's beauty and one way he reminds us each day of just how Glorious he is! and i cant help but think if the sky can be this beautiful here on earth i cant even imagine what the Heavens look like :)

 

I received a text this morning from my sister that read this -  "Not a minute goes y i don't wonder what life would be like with him here. But then i came across a quote that said he has a life too, just a life away from ours. But hes never sleepy, never fussy, never sad or mad or hungry.. he is always happy"  I thank God for that every day!

how one so little is used by God

The days get easier, and then there are really hard moments when everything comes rushing back. The what ifs, the could have been's, the hurt that will never go away. Not a day goes by I don't miss my nephew. Days like today when me mom and molly go shopping I cant help but think what this day would be like if he were here. We would be pushing a stroller, it would take us twice as long to get anywhere and we would hear little cries from the back seat.. It would all be worth it.
Though Bryant is not with us I do have to share how proud I am as his aunt for all the love he has shown even from heaven.
A week ago a woman from Lindale Tx posted Bryant's story to her blog. Molly had come across this blog soon after Bryant's birth because this woman (Brittany) has a story almost identical to Molly and Brad's. Her and her husband lost their baby girl Hannah last year at 38 weeks and they understand so much of what Molly and Brad are going through with this new emptiness in the family.
This month of October being "infant loss awareness month" Brittany was posting other mommy's stories on her blog. Molly had written a beautiful heart wrenching story of Bryant that she hadn't shared with anyone quite yet, she had written it for herself while everything was still fresh on her mind and heart.
Thankfully Molly sent this story to Brittany and soon it was revealed for many people to read, oh and it did! Molly got a message a few days ago that read this :

" Molly, I know that numbers are not everything. but I wanted to share something special with you. I wanted to thank you for your story and tell you that so many were able to read your words. I'm not exactly why or how, if it was the pregnancy and infant loss day yesterday or just the Lord wanted so many to hear your story
But since your story was posted yesterday already 2,612 people have read your words. Its the highest number i've ever had for one post in one day. Your story is beautiful. That's your little man touching the lives of so many with the story of our Great God. - Again I know the numbers will never ever replace your sweet son, but I just thought you should know how the Lord is using Bryant's story."


As I said earlier, I went shopping with mom and molly today, it was hard. It didn't used to seem there were that m any babies in the world and now its as though every time we turned around today there was a cry, a scream, a giggle.. I would catch my sister staring at a little boy holding back tears. I could see the wheels rolling in her head thinking of how this day could have been so different.
I want there to be hope, I want to find hope in that God will provide us with another baby one day, not to take the place of Bryant, but to heal parts of our heart that went with him. I want to see my sister be a mommy to a (as she says, "earth baby") I have faith that God will provide that. He had a plan for our Bryant Cole. Maybe that plan was to write a story that mommy's down the road will read when they are mourning a lost child. Whatever the reason, I would never have thought a baby whom never breathed a breath of air from this world could be such an influence on so many.
Bryant's story can be read on hintofhess.blogspot.com
I am so proud to be his aunt, and he will forever be OUR ANGEL BABY.

Post 25 years and counting

I would like to say the reason I haven't posted was to wait until after my twenty fifth birthday and revise my list. However I am sad to admit that is not the case. Between my hectic life in the past nine months I have neglected my blog as I tend to do and because of that I just have to write twice as much as I normally would. (don't get too upset il try to make it a short version)

To start things off, my revised list for "POST 25"

I moved into my own apartment

got a fish... that lived 4 months

went on a cruise to Cozumel (got sea sick)

along with moving out I am building my credit, quite nicely I might add

I got a new car this past summer that I love** AC went out on the Saturn :(

I am attempting to save money between all my bills

and I am currently enrolled in school and scheduled to take the nursing entrance exam

Committed to something for 12 months- my job !

****************************************************************************

That being my list, I have proudly accomplished some of the things I set my goals to and the others will just have to wait. However the most exciting news that came in my twenty fifth year was the day my sister announced I would be an AUNT!!
I am beyond excited for her and our family, this will be the first baby and HE will be so spoiled. I already love him so much. He should make his grand arrival in the next two weeks, its just a waiting game at this point.. and im not a very patient person.

A lot has happened since the beginning of this year and I have had to grow up a lot. I miss my old life at times, the traveling and staying busy with friends and activities. My days now mostly consist of work, school, baby showers, and watching all my friends get married and move away.
But that's ok, because i'm still figuring things out and have a feeling I have a lot more adventure left in me. I am officially in my mid twenties and at times I see that as still young, and then there are times I feel old and like life is catching up to me. All I know is that my heart still longs for adventure and to find the things that make me happy. Each year will bring something new, im definitely not the same as I was this time last year and im sure things will have changed drastically in the coming year. I like thinking of things in that perspective, you are always changing, nothing ever stays the same. So if you don't like something one way, just wait a while and something new will come along.

At a dinner with my grandparents this past weekend I had a conversation with my papa. Mostly about his life and the journeys that he was lead through. During this conversation he stopped and looked at me and said " I believe in destiny, that every path you take, every wrong or right decision you make will lead you to your place of being" - He had worked his younger years in a broom factory sitting for eight hours a day sticking a broom stick in a machine that attached the bristles to the end. He told me that time in his life was not very fun, he knew it wasn't what he wanted to do forever and that he would eventually move on. But that was where he was at that moment. That moment in his life took him on to bigger and better opportunities, and the stories he had were astonishing.

It made me hope.. This is where I am in life for now, im learning, im growing, im making mistakes and at the same time memories that maybe one day I can tell my grandchildren.
I know im only twenty five and counting, but one day il look up and this will be my past - Just like the list from my prior post.
Things ive done, things I could have done, and things I still have waiting

Bryant Cole ~ our angel baby

It has been one month and one week since my nephew's birthday. Bryant Cole Brown -
I remember the day I found out my sister was expecting, I was at work and called to the front saying I had flowers! I never get flowers, so I figured they had the wrong person. I walked up to see a beautiful bouquet and a card with my name on it. As I opened it I had to catch my breath and keep from screaming with excitement, I was going to be an AUNT!! I always knew this day would come but it definitely took me by surprise. My heart was overwhelmed and in a few short weeks Molly and Brad announced to everyone they were pregnant. The first few months went by slow waiting to find out the sex. So many people would ask me what I wanted the baby to be and my response was always, I don't care as long as its healthy! The month of March we found out we would be have a BOY in the family, Bryant Cole was going to be my nephew and with each sonogram I went to and picture I saw my heart grew more and more full of love for him.
Through the months of summer I got to watch as my little sister became a mother. She changed, She matured and her heart grew so in love with her baby boy. We had showers, TONS of clothes!
My mom got a little red wagon, because every little boy needs one of those. We were all ready to meet Bryant, hold him and watch him grow and play. Molly had a perfect pregnancy, each appointment was good news and the dr. even told her she was a prime patient as far as everything going right on schedule. We watched as our little boy grew fast, each time I saw Molly her tummy was bigger and her little body swollen to its max from carrying her baby. a week before her due date everyone was awaiting the call, the one where we would all rush to the hospital and celebrate a new life.
On Thursday, September fourth Molly had a dr appointment scheduled for 1:30. She came by my work that day and as she walked through the clinic everyone smiled and congratulated her. She was beaming, as any soon to be mother would. we went to get lunch and as we drove talked about how soon the due date was. I asked her if he had been active that day and she said no, she noted he had been very still and that was normal for it being so close to his due date. I felt her tummy and she left shortly after lunch for her appointment. I told her to text and let me know how much he weighed because me and mom had a bet going on how big he would be. one thirty came and went and the hours past. I remember looking down to see it was three oclock and I still hadn't heard from my sister. I text her a few times. "how did it go" . "have you left yet". "hello?" ... I finally got a response that read "are you busy?" my heart raced as I knew something was wrong.. I remember telling a co worker I was scared because it was unlike molly to take so long to reply and that it had been hours of not hearing anything. a few minutes later a call came that Brad was at the front desk wanting to see me. I started shaking, I knew there was bad news because he had not been with Molly to go to her appointment. I ran to the front and as brad led me out the doors he quietly said - we lost the baby Meghan.

My heart dropped. I felt like passing out and I remember grabbing my head and saying NO. I ran to brads truck and flew open the door to see my little sister holding her big belly in sobs. She looked at me with broken eyes and said " He's our angel now" I grabbed her tummy and asked questions that there was no answer to. I sat in the truck holding my sister and crying. She explained the dr could not find a heartbeat and after several tries and a sonogram they gave her the news he was gone. She had been alone, she had to sit and wait and morn her lost child until Brad got there. After time I walked back into the clinic, people staring and wanting to know what happened. I was numb, I could care less what I looked like or who saw the tears streaming down my face. I left work and headed to Van, a long 30 minute drive. I thought, I prayed, I yelled. I was angry with God. How could this happen? Why so close to his due date? Why MY SISTER?

That evening around 7 pm Molly and Brad checked into labor and delivery, however this experience would be much different that the other parents in the rooms close by. I remember walking down the hall and seeing the little leaf with a tear drop on the door and wishing I could wake up from this terrible nightmare. That evening was hard, My family was waiting on my dad to arrive, he works out of town and had to drive 8 hours to get here. After the nurses got Molly settled and gave her medication to help her sleep mom and I came to my apartment to rest. I laid on my couch, sleepless. I couldn't stop thinking of my sister and brother in law sitting in the hospital room knowing soon they would have to see their baby boy, lifeless. I stayed on the phone most of the night with dad making sure he made it safe. He arrived at the hospital around midnight and never left. Me and mom went back around 5am and we all took turns giving hugs, sitting in silence and crying.

After a long morning of labor with no Epidural my sister gave birth at 11:45am to a perfect peaceful baby weighing 7 pound 2 ounces. I got the opportunity to stay in the room during the birth. Molly had looked me in the eye and said, you can stay in here if you promise not to cry. She said if I cried she would cry and she needed to be calm and focus on the delivery. I kept my promise, and did by far the hardest thing in my entire life by watching my tiny nephew come into the world in silence.
The dr had announced he was delivered and we heard nothing. No cry, only soft tears coming from the parents who's hearts were in pieces. I watched as they brought Bryant into the room all dressed up wrapped in a soft blanket. The moment my sister laid eyes on him is a moment I will never forget.

Brad broke into tears while Molly sat there smiling repeating the words " wow, wow he is so beautiful" tears rolled down her checks but almost as if they were tears of joy from seeing her perfect child she had carried for nine months. She held him in her arms and whispered how much she loved him. After a while she handed him off to Brad and i have never seen that man look so in love than i did in that moment. His eyes never left his sons face as he sat there rocking him back and forth as if no one else was in the room but them.

The rest of the afternoon was spent taking pictures for memories, having visitors come in for those who wanted to see him. many tears were shed, but there were also smiles, because as Molly said " how can you not smile when you see something so perfect"

Late afternoon we all took turns saying our goodbyes and giving the parents time with their baby boy, and then he was gone. Words can not express having to watch a couple who have waited, prayed for, expected a baby leave the hospital empty handed.
Walking behind as my sister was rolled down the hall to the elevator the next morning, i just kept praying she wasn't looking into the passing rooms with all the baby monitors, balloons and smiling new parents. It hurt, i wanted to take the pain away for her and there was nothing i could do or say to make anything better or hurt any less.

A week later there was a small burial with close family and friends a song was played and a verse read that Bryant's daddy picked out himself. No parent should have to bury their child, no parent should have to stand in a line as so many people hug their neck saying how sorry they are.
Of course the hugs and the words are kind, but nothing takes away the hurt. Nothing simmers the pain they now have in their hearts.
We go on.. each day is its own struggle. We move on with no little boy, with no happy laughs of silly stories or cute pictures. We watch as others around have children and get pregnant and knowing how hard it is for me, i cant even begin to think how hard it is for Molly and Brad. I watch as each day they grow together, stronger and more accepting of God's plan and that He holds their baby boy in his arms each day.
People ask how we are, how molly and brad are doing.. Not good. It wont get better in a day, in months or years. This will be something that is with them and all of us forever. It wasn't just a loss of a baby. We lost part of our family, a person we had named and imagined a life with, someone we had prepared for and prayed for constantly.

As the days go on we take comfort in knowing we aren't the only family who has suffered a loss, whether it be a baby, a parent, a sibling, loss is something that breaks you. But we also can take comfort that we wont be broken forever because we serve a God who has a purpose, and an eternity waiting for those who love and trust in him.
As i have told my sister, i believe God has a purpose in all of this. Even though sometimes we don't want there to be a purpose, we want there to be a baby to hold and snuggle with. But i believe God needed an angel, and just as he chose Mary to carry baby Jesus, He had to choose someone who would be the perfect mother to an angel during his time on earth. He needed someone who would be strong in her faith and understand that when this baby left us, He would be safe in the arms of God and watching down.

We LOVE you Bryant Cole Brown,
always and forever- Your aunt Mina